I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
