I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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