Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
