I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i love accidental penises.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
