why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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