i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.