Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.