Texts From Last Night

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  (310): View more from California

  If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?

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  (310): If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement? http://tfl.nu/kphp
  Replies (6) Good night (5395) Bad night (1391)
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?

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  (404): I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing? http://tfl.nu/vakp
  Replies (12) Good night (4759) Bad night (1541)
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...

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  (702): He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried... http://tfl.nu/88kq
  Replies (5) Good night (1004) Bad night (2611)
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  (914): View more from New York

  I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.

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  (914): I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed. http://tfl.nu/j5xb
  Replies (6) Good night (1538) Bad night (602)
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.

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  (541): They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay. http://tfl.nu/px2q
  Replies (6) Good night (1380) Bad night (495)
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly

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  (401): Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly http://tfl.nu/cjgf
  Replies (2) Good night (872) Bad night (552)
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  (916): View more from California

  The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.

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  (916): The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight. http://tfl.nu/8kai
  Replies (6) Good night (1184) Bad night (537)
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  (320): View more from Minnesota

  So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.

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  (320): So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian. http://tfl.nu/850i
  Replies (2) Good night (1240) Bad night (800)
• Favorite

  (802): View more from Vermont

  I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.

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  (802): I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind. http://tfl.nu/o69z
  Replies (1) Good night (1214) Bad night (623)
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already

  (1-202): View more from Washington, DC

  Outside

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  (202): Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already (1-202): Outside http://tfl.nu/rkll
  Replies (16) Good night (2446) Bad night (562)
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.

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  (336): I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can. http://tfl.nu/mx39
  Replies (1) Good night (349) Bad night (601)
• Favorite

  (425): View more from Washington

  Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people

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  (425): Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people http://tfl.nu/m00z
  Replies (8) Good night (941) Bad night (588)
• Favorite

  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.

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  (403): Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me. http://tfl.nu/p2to
  Replies (1) Good night (410) Bad night (540)
• Favorite

  (913): View more from Kansas

  I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis

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  (913): I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis http://tfl.nu/drda
  Replies (2) Good night (542) Bad night (295)
• Favorite

  (714): View more from California

  I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.

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  (714): I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature. http://tfl.nu/j5ba
  Replies (1) Good night (154) Bad night (383)

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