my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
I'm at about main and main street
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.