Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
21 Awkward Ways People Found Out Their Partner Was Into Outrageous Sex Acts
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.