I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
