just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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