That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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