Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
