moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
