Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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