Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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