Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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