My liver just broke up with me...
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
