It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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