Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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