I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
