My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
whose ass print is on the piano?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
