I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
