The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
