why didn't you poke me back
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
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