Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
