; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
