you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
