I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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