i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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