We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
