My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
