The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
