you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
