he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
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