I want to stick my p in your. b.
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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