great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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