So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
