She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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