there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
