I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
