If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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