I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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