I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
