woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
that is very illegal...i love you.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
