Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
