God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
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