the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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