he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
