Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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