If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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