i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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