He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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