take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
