I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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