she kept yelling 'call me bella'
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
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You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
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As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
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