Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
