I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
